male-victims

Men Can Be Victims of Abuse, Too

male-victimsAt the Hotline, we know that domestic violence can affect anyone – including men. According to the CDC, one in seven men age 18+ in the U.S. has been the victim of severe physical violence by an intimate partner in his lifetime. One in 10 men has experienced rape, physical violence, and/or stalking by an intimate partner. In 2013, 13% of documented contacts to the Hotline identified themselves as male victims. Although they make up a smaller percentage of callers to the Hotline, there are likely many more men who do not report or seek help for their abuse, for a variety of reasons:

Men are socialized not to express their feelings or see themselves as victims.
Our culture still clings to narrow definitions of gender (although there are signs that this is slowly shifting). Young boys are taught not to express their emotions, to “suck it up” and “be a man.” Tony Porter calls this the “man box” in his well-known TED talk. This can be extremely detrimental to boys as they age, especially if they find themselves in an abusive relationship. Men may feel discouraged to talk about what’s going on in their personal lives, or they feel like no one will believe them. They may not even realize that they are being abused, or they might assume they should just deal with the abuse on their own.

Pervading beliefs or stereotypes about men being abusers, women being victims.
The majority of domestic violence stories covered by the media are about male perpetrators and female victims who are typically in heterosexual relationships. While we certainly don’t want to minimize this violence, focusing on only one type of situation renders invisible the many scenarios that do not fit this definition, including abusive relationships among homosexual, bisexual, and trans* men. This might make many victims feel like they don’t have the space or the support to speak out about their own experiences and seek help.

The abuse of men is often treated as less serious, or a “joke.”
We’ve seen this in action recently with the elevator footage of Solange Knowles attacking Jay-Z. When a man is abused, many people don’t take it as seriously (in part due to the previous two reasons we’ve mentioned). The truth is, abuse is not a joke, in any situation, between any two people. All victims deserve support and resources to help them feel safe.

Many believe there are no resources or support available for male victims.
It can seem like the majority of shelters and services for domestic violence victims are women-focused. However, services for male victims do exist. Most federal funding sources require that domestic violence services be provided to all victims of abuse. Our advocates can provide information, assist with safety planning, and/or find local resources, if available. They can also help brainstorm alternative options if local programs are not meeting the requirements for male victims, including who a caller may be able to contact if they believe they have experienced discrimination.

No matter what your situation is, the Hotline is here to help, confidentially and without judgment. Please give us a call anytime, or chat online from 7am-2am CST.

A Few Resources for Men:

36 replies
  1. Angela says:

    This was a very invalidating tile and article. It perpetuates the myth that men require more dignity. It pits female victims against male victims for attention. This type of article is commonly found in Men’s Rights forums where women are again subordinated.

    Where is the body count? Where are these shamed male victims? Do they embalm themselves after they are murdered? Do they perform their own surgical procedures after abuse? Why are mens DV shelters closing down due to lack of bodies?

    A lot of analysis is left out of this article. Men are victims of violence but often at the hands of other men.

    In the past year three sets of gang rapists posted footage of their rapes of children online. These gang rapists were hailed as heroes while one gang rape victim killed herself and the other mocked incessantly online. The joke is that females are treated as subhuman. When we let men believe they deserve more dignity, we tell women that even male victims are worth more than female victims.

    In the military male rape victims of men experience higher rates of adjudication. If men are more ashamed than women at being victims, how does this happen? Women are victimized by hyper masculinity, not males.

    • A Survivor says:

      I fully support the brief article above. The percentage of male victims is somewhat irrelevant, as any domestic abuse is unacceptable. Each abused person deserves an opportunity for help.

      Intimate Partner Violence shouldn’t be perceived as a binary state. Acknowledging that men are abused doesn’t lessen the suffering of abused women. Helping one suffering group increases the compassion of society as a whole, and increasing compassion is always commendable.

      • Al says:

        You know..I wish I could believe the last sentence in your comment. But in reality, compassion for the “rest of us” just doesn’t doesn’t and isn’t happening. The compassion just goes more to women in heterosexual relationships, and not to women and other types of relationships, and men. And even with the current reportings of the abuse by NFL players. Even when it was noted by one of the women in the reported that she was being physical herself, the fact that she acknowledged, the media still shows it as all the male’s part. I don’t condone abuse or physical violence at all. But, when you look at the entire situation, if it’s not one sided, you just can’t say that it’s all the male’s “fault”. Women can be abusers and can start violence.

    • Al says:

      Violence against men is more of men-to-men violence. What context are you talking about? Is it in an intimate/sexual context…what kind of context?

    • John( fake name) says:

      I’m right here!
      I am an abuse victim and survivor.. And a man.
      My abuse was pointed out by her family and mine.
      I never saw it as I brought up my family.

    • bruce says:

      Hello, Angela I was disturbed about the stereotypical instead of individual perspective of your response. Some men are monsters, but that doesnt mean all men are monsters. Some women are sadistic & cruel. If you substitute woman for man in the wheel of domestic violence you have a picture of my wife. Ive been in an emotionally & physically abusive marriage for 3 years. Ive never put my hands on my wife or threatened to. She has choked me because I didnt turn the water all the way off in the shower. Scratched my face up severely so many times ive lost count, the third time she did this she was 5 months pregnant & I eent to the police & she was arrested. Id already gone to our church the previous 2 times and first a female pastor suggested I go to the police & then a month later when she did the same thing a male & a male pastor suggeted oli go to the police. To this day she has only appologized on only one occaision after scratching my face severely because I made an innocent comment about her cars oil & her exhaust smoking. After appologizing she said I had thin skin & bled too easily. What about the other 10 times she scratched up my face?? I was raised to NEVER put my hands on a woman & ,God willing, I never will. Does that give my wife an excuse to punch me in the face on 3 different occaissions when I had are then infant son in mh arms?? Angela, with all due respect you need a “reality check”. My wife made twice what I made when I met he, is 15 years younger, took boxing for 5 years & played soccer for her school in high school & then college & took modern jazz dance for over 10 years. She grew up in france & says in france its normal for woman to hit a man & I should just except being hit, slapped & scratched over trivial matters regardless of whether our children see this violence.

      • HotlineAdmin_CC says:

        Hi Bruce,

        We definitely recognize that men can also be victims of abuse as well. Your situation sounds really scary for you and very unsafe as well. You of course do not deserve to be treated like that, even if your wife says where she grew up it’s normal for that to happen. It certainly sounds like a difficult situation that would be best served by communicating with you directly. If you would please call us 24/7 at 1-800-799-7233, we would be happy to discuss your concerns and offer some strategies.

        Best,

        Hotline Advocate CC

    • Sean says:

      Angela, sorry to read about your attitudes towards men yet it is an unfortunate attitude in. Our society.

      I would rather someone beat me with a bat than my children. It is not only a source of great abuse for the Dad but also a severe form of child abuse that is not a myth.

      As for body counts I wonder if you have considered looking at the statistics of suicides? These numbers range from 4-8xs more frequent in men. Hopefully we can all come together to put an end to abuse and this polarization that some partake in and focus on a more humanistic approach.

      Emotional abuse by proxy is a dangerous thing and I suspect more prevalent in females due to pahylical limitations that are gender specific.

      By denying thos abuse is something I feel is not only harmful to women but the ultimate goal of addressing this most pressing issue.

      It is my hope that the support I seek isn’t prevented by people who share in your opinion.

      Men are victimized by a culture that seems to share your views.

      Cpunt the suicides of men and reconsider your abusive remark.

      Thank you

      • HotlineAdmin_LC says:

        This post has been modified to remove any disrespectful remarks per our community guidelines.

    • Karl says:

      Angela,

      What an incredibly invalidating comment. I have been physically abused on over a half-dozen occasions by my wife. Even though I weigh 180 Lbs and stand 6’1″ tall my wife studied martial arts in college and found her first opportunity to use it when we had a disagreement the first year we were married. She punched me in the head (temple) and knocked me to the ground. When I got up and pushed her away from striking me again, she called me an abuser! She has sucker punched me in the head for disagreeing with her at a party. And assaulted me with bats, cast iron skillets tossed across the room into my back as I ran, punched me in the stomach on multiple occasions, and kneed me in the groan. I finally filed an assault charge (at the encouragement of a psychologist!) That was what broke the chain. She still is verbally abusive, but not physically for over 10 years now. Everyone of my friends and family (even her mom) have told me to leave, but I have three kids and need to give stability to their lives.

      Your intimation tactics in your comments above were nothing more than an appeal to emotion. It was manipulative, and an attempt to draw all attention to female victims and away from male victims. It is one of the tactics my wife used to use.

      My question to you Angela is, “Are you an abuser?”

      Great article highlighting the overlooked portion of the population. I grant that women receive an overwhelming amount of the abuse. But Angela’s reductive and disingenuous comments are typical of why I waited years to file charges…”WHO WOULD BELIEVE ME?” “THIS IS A MALE HURTING FEMALE ONLY ISSUE!”

      Men, I was wrong. Angela is wrong. If you are being physically or emotionally abused by a woman, share it with someone who can help. Don’t be manipulated by people saying your making it up.

      • HotlineAdmin_CC says:

        Hi Karl,

        Thank you for your comments and for sharing your experience. It sounds like such a difficult situation to be in. You are absolutely right that men can be victims as well and women can also be abusers. I’m glad to hear you are no longer having to deal with the physical abuse, but you do not even deserve to deal with the emotional abuse either. If you need to talk more about situation, and how to keep yourself emotionally safe from your abusive partner, please feel free to reach out by phone 24/7 at 1-800-799-7233 or chat with us online between 7am-2am CST.

        Take care,
        Hotline Advocate CC

  2. Angela says:

    I would have believed that a large organization would understand the dynamics of male violence. Not long ago on the heels of a gang raping and subsequent lynching/murder of two women, Break The Cycle intimated to, “Not forget about men”. That was repugnant. That was the most vile display of misogyny I had ever seen.

  3. Hotline_Admin says:

    Hello Angela,

    Thank you for your comments – we appreciate you sharing your perspective. It is never our intention to undermine anyone’s experience, and we do not in any way believe that one victim’s experience is “worth” more than another’s. We know that anyone can be a victim of abuse regardless of gender, sexual orientation, race, age, religion, or socio-economic status. Intimate partner violence is a very complicated issue for a variety of reasons, and each person’s situation is unique. The Hotline remains a safe space for all who suffer from abuse to find support without judgment.

    If you have questions about domestic violence or the work we do, we encourage you to give us a call at 1-800-799-7233.

    Be well,
    Hotline Admin

  4. Lost&Found says:

    Angela,

    I think this article wanted to discuss the discrepancy in reporting domestic abuse when the victim is male and what might be some reasons affecting that.

    Here is my recent personal experience as a male victim of female domestic violence and reporting it.

    I guess my abuse fell under the “joke” category I suppose. Unfortunately discrimination and utter disbelief are still extremely common reactions to male victims.

    My estranged wife is a classic narcissist. I had previously started suffering panic attacks and taking medication but eventually lost my 90 hour a week high stress job. She moved in with my mother a few months later. For years after the separation my estranged wife would engage in stalking, trespassing and terrorizing me in my home, refusing to leave until I had an anxiety\panic attack and denying that it even was possible for her to trespass. Once even saying that I didn’t have the right to ask for a separation without her consent. The more my panic attacks drove me to escape her, the more she needed to control and pursue. Even after she filed for divorce she would physically wake me up in my bedroom if she thought I had a woman over and I started losing sleep over it. She’d send threatening emails to women I dated accusing them of ruining her family, even though my estranged wife filed for divorce. I’m a completely non-violent can’t fight a damn nerdy geeky overweight computer database guy from California while her family competes in martial arts and she trained growing up. I was the bully target kid.

    So what happened when I finally went to report that my estranged wife’s years of trespassing and stalking was intentionally or neglectfully causing me panic attacks and I thought it might be domestic violence?

    Instead of even being evaluated for domestic abuse or treated for anxiety or panic attacks, I was hospitalized for being delusional and suffering mania (not suicidal or homicidal in any way mind you). My doctor knew I had started on medication as a result of panic attacks and that I was in the middle of a divorce. Yet during my hospitalization my doctor violated HIPAA without a waiver to speak with my wife and then believed my wife’s story that she just “cared” for me and wanted to fix the marriage. Now I have the lovely diagnosis\label of being delusional for wanting a divorce, its an awesome unexpected side benefit of reporting domestic abuse as a male that I clearly did not foresee. This is sort of a timely article for me. My wife had already tried and failed with my previous doctor to get him to hospitalize me over what were essentially disagreements and he did warn me…

    Classic manipulative narcissistic behavior, male or female, they act like pre-programmed robots from the factory, all talking the same, lying the same and its always about manipulation and control for them no matter the cost. My estranged spouse could never compromise even on the smallest single little detail even as the marriage crumbled around us, it was so strange and illogical to me at the time but they can’t change their behavior so there’s no hope for reconciliation and there’s no reasoning with them.

    Also its very common for victims of narcissists to be disbelieved and isolated in some way. I’m sure every victim of a narcissist experienced the same disbelief at some time or another with a friend, co-worker, therapist or even family that we’ve confided our issues with. Its a difficult and very alone feeling at times, trust me I know, being male and also disabled by bipolar as well? I face double discrimination, a war on two fronts, so I’m pretty sure my cause was lost long before it started…

    • HotlineAdmin_MCo says:

      Lost & Found,

      Thank you so much for sharing your story with our blog community. It sounds like you have gone through so much. We know here that abusive people can be extremely manipulative and controlling and it sounds like your ex partner did exactly that. There can be a lot of barriers that survivors of abuse face when trying to report and get the help that they need. We are constantly bombarded by messages that tell us that certain actions are about love when they are really about control.

      If you’d like, I would encourage you to give us a call at 1 (800) 799.7233. We are completely confidential/anonymous and you can give us a call any time. We can talk to you about your situation, ways that you can stay safe and get you connected to local resources that can help with what you are needing. Know that you are not alone in going through this and there is support out there.

      Until then,
      Hotline Advocate MC

  5. Jane says:

    Hi, my name is Jane. I think my boyfriends mom is verbally abusing him. He has told me about multiple heated argument between the two of them, and how his mom threatens to kick him out of the house if he doesn’t do what she wants him to do. My boyfriend told me tonight that if it wasn’t for me that he would have most likely killed himself by now. This greatly concerns me! I’m not sure what to do! Any suggestions???

    • HotlineAdvocate_MT says:

      Dear Jane,

      Thank you for reaching out to us. It sounds like your boyfriend is having to deal with a lot. Sometimes abuse does make a person feel so sad and isolated that they talk about suicide. This is very serious. He is lucky to have you by his side. I want to give you the number to the suicide hotline in case he ever needs it. That number is 800-273-8255. I would also ask you to give him our number so that we can talk about what he is going through and options he might have. The National Domestic Violence Hotline number is (800) 799-7233. Please ask him to call us even if he just needs to talk about what he is going through.

      With care,
      Hotline Advocate MT

  6. James says:

    I am a man and I am emotionally abused by someone who is still my wife.. It is a horrible place to be emotionally.

    At first in our relationship they were not about me but other things in her life.. i thought if I could help her she would be better. It was as if she was the victim of life..Soon she started turning on me..What ever my button were she pushed them… This escalated to name calling. telling me am worthless that no one would want me she would mock me talk poorly of my family.

    Abusers are very good liars. I kept getting back in because i thought maybe if I did something better, ignored it or confront it. It will go away..

    I have a soon to be 3yr old daughter on father day of 2013 my wife lots all control and forced her to the ground..Even thought my daughter ended up going to emergency care. When I confronted my wife my life turned to more of a hell then ever. She told everyone that it was an accident that all mothers make mistakes.. That I didn’t see what happen.. As if I was the one who has a problem

    In the end it became too much for me I still live the nightmare of what I witness from the mother of my daughter pure uncontrolled rage..

    When my wife is angry at my daughter physical punishment is rare but scream and yelling is or she will have noting to do with her unless she does exactly as my wife wants..

    Every time I tried to talk to my wife about this she became hostile and would not even open it to discussion.. I started seeing a councilor. When my wife learned this she asked why I told her and she kicked my out.

    The councilor contacted child protective service about the incident with my daughter..

    My wife was able to no only convince them that she had done nothing wrong but that the incident never took place even though at a minimum medical records show she went to an emergency clinic..

    As the victim I was kick out with the clothes on my back and allowed only to see my daughter when my wife pleases..Its been 6months now

    Though most of my ordeal I have kept a dated journal.. Honestly I feel helpless.. I am getting close to being finically ready to start the divorce and custody process.. But it really scares me and I dread whats to come..

    The only thing that keep me going and thinking clear with purpose is my daughter.

    It is a heck of a mental battle that I play in my head.. even where I have not doubt that my wife is an abuser because the evidence and documentation is just way to overwhelming i feel i should just comply and deal with any of her demands and just take the hits.. But the more I resist the harder she hits.. She is only satisfied when she knows the damage is done.

    I need prayer for my daughter that she will be ok no matter . I need a few prayers myself I know that when I am left feeling so low it not only steals my life but what my daughter could have had with me… I need prayer to help me stay strong

    • HotlineAdmin_VG says:

      Hi James,

      Thanks for reaching out and sharing your story. That sounds like such a difficult and scary situation. Your wife has created a lot of damage and caused a lot of trauma to the people she’s supposed to care about the most. We know some abusers will use any tactic necessary to gain power and control, including using your child. They often blame you for the abuse and tell you that there’s nothing wrong, even when you’re trying your best to help them. Neither you or your daughter deserve to be physically or emotionally abused. In fact, you have every right to set boundaries and stand up for yourself and your daughter. I’m glad that you’re looking for resources to help you. You and your child deserve to live in peace and not worry about being abused.

      Dealing with the abuse and manipulation can be frustrating and overwhelming. I encourage you to give the National Domestic Violence Hotline a call at 1-800-799-7233 to talk this through as well as explore strategies to stay safe. Our hotline is available 24/7 and is completely anonymous and confidential.

      Take care,

      Hotline Advocate VG

  7. Felix says:

    I am exiting a physical and emotional abuse situation. I am healing, and calling hotline counselors daily, but my current girlfriend believes I still need more help. I cannot afford to pay for more extensive help. Current finances are dismal. I need lo locate more free resources. Can anyone help with that ? Thank you.

    • HotlineAdvocate_MT says:

      Hi Felix,

      Abuse is very tramatizing and your girlfriend may be right that you need more extensive professional therapy. Your local domestic violence agency may have individual counseling that you could tap into. Please call us so that we can help you with other resources. The National Domestic Violence Hotline number is (800) 799-7233.

      Hotline Advocate MT

  8. Al says:

    You know…persons like Angela is probably one huge reason why men will not come forward to talk about their experience. Reading Angela’s comments actually made a tear drop down, and I am not a person who cries at all. And also because the media ONLY focuses on female -centered abuse, mainly heterosexual abuse. men will not come forward. I think that for domestic abuse to be taken seriously as it should, ALL TYPES of abuse should be take seriously; that mean male abuse, in ALL AREAS.

    The reason why a teardrop came down for me, is because I am a survivor of domestic abuse. For me, it started with emotional. Then, it escalated to physical. I was in a relationship with an older woman. What made it worse, was that she experienced a life of domestic abuse. She grew up with with her parents and then in a martial relationship as well. It was later on in our relationship that I found out about it, but because I loved her, I stayed, even as the abuse got worse, even when it started to be physical. I never fought back. I am the kind of person, kind of man who is a very quiet person. A person who is very controlled of their emotions, so I had to be the “calm and cool” one of the relationship.

    It all came to a head when she broke into my house and assaulted me. I tried to restrain her by her wrists, and that’s all I did. Once I let her go, she became a wild person. She started throwing things at at me. Then, it all came down hard when she then a flashlight at my face. I felt my face being very wet, as it was early morning during the fall and my room was nearly dark. I went to the bathroom and turned on the lights, my face was all bloodied. My bed clothes…I looked like I had taken a swim in a pool of blood. I called the police. At that point, she was “sorry”..she didn’t want me to call the police. She kept trying to take the phone away from me. And eventually she did, but she didn’t know that there was another phone nearby. And I called 911. About 45 mins later when they came, they questioned both of us. Of course, she went on saying that it wa my fault and that I hurt her and everything, even though there was no bruise on her. But me, I was constantly bleeding. , from head to toe. And I was so embarrassed, as I was standing outside, bleeding and 2 police cars blocking the driveway and my neighbors, passing by seeing everything. After the police questioned use, they came to me and said only one thing, do i want to press charges against her. It was so cut and dry. it was the only thing in my favor. If I had responded back to her after he attacked me, there would’ve have been no hard evidence in my favor that she started it. And even moreso, she was pregnant, so since the law is in favor of women when it comes to domestic abuse, I would’ve been the one being charged and going to jail, even though I was bloodied.

    Did I press charges, no..I didn’t. I didn’t because of she was pregnant with my child, plus she had 2 younger sons 9at the time0, plus her job..she”s a public school teacher. This happened in 2007. Sometimes I regret I didn’t press charges because now, I have to live with the fact of because of her actions, I have now become blind in my right eye due to her assault. That one moment has stopped my life. I have to deal with the nightmares I have of being attacked by her. The fear of being at home alone. The fear of her. it’s made me not wanting to see my daughter because of not wanting to be around her mother. And the regret of being a man. If I was another other man, another man would have seriously hurt her because of that attack, regardless of her being pregnant or not. And even more, I had practiced the martial arts for up until that point over half of my life. I could have responded to her physically in so many ways. But the study of martial arts isn’t about that; And sometimes, you have to take a hit in stead of hitting back..and that’s what I did. And while that is a good thing that saved me from being in jail, I have to live with the consequence of being blind in one eye.

    Only a few of my friends and family know my story. And what’s so ironic about it, the friends that know, who are my female friends, they would have condone me responding back physically to my ex-girlfriend for attacking me. And even more, some are even mad at me for not pressing charges. Even the police tried hard to get me to press charges. I wanted to, I really did. But, I thought more of her, than me. Yes, men can be victims and yes, women can can be the abusers. Women are not as weak as the media makes them out to be. I know that from a lifetime of seeing women fight against other women and even other men, whether as a child or an adult. And I know it from studying the martial arts and having trained with women and training women. I don’ t think one race or o0ne gender or gone sex or whatever is more subjective to abuse. But, to say that a man can not be abuse is downright wrong and prejudice.

    • HotlineAdmin_VG says:

      Hi Al,

      Thank you for sharing your story. I’m so sorry you had to experience so much abuse and trauma. We know that victims/survivors of domestic violence come from all types of backgrounds. Domestic violence does not discriminate when it comes to gender, sexual orientation, race, age, religion, or socioeconomic status. We hope that as more men share their stories of dealing with domestic violence, then other men will be encouraged to reach out to ask for help. Current statistics show that 1 in 4 women and 1 in 7 men will experience severe physical violence in their lifetime. Many more will experience emotional abuse. Those are staggering numbers of people regardless of gender.

      Leaving an abusive relationship and pressing charges are very complicated issues for a variety of reasons. We know each person’s situation is unique and it sounds like you made the decisions that you felt were best and safest for your situation. I’m so glad to hear that you have support from friends and family members. You have been through a lot of trauma, which means support and self-care are so important. The Hotline remains a safe space for all who suffer from abuse to find support without judgment and I hope that you will reach out to use if you ever need support or resources. You can reach us 24/7 at 1-800-799-7233.

      Take care,
      Hotline Advocate VG

      • anonymous says:

        I would like to know your source for the statement ” Current statistics show that 1 in 4 women and 1 in 7 men will experience severe physical violence in their lifetime.”

        Please cite the source.

        Thank youi

        • HotlineAdmin_AS says:

          Hello,

          That information came from the statistics listed on our website here. The sources for the information provided are available at the bottom of the page.

          Hotline Advocate AS

  9. sean says:

    Wow, I’m a man, still getting abused, online, in person, under constant intimidation and threats to the point where I’m in hiding for my safety and not one person or law enforcement agency cares, maybe suicide is the appropriate cause of action, its what they all want me to do anyway, I get it, only women can be abused, is a joke, men just don’t report because they WONT BE BELIEVED, we just ridiculed, humiliated, lose everything we worked for and cared about

    • HotlineAdmin_SG says:

      Sean,

      Thank you for sharing with our blog community. It sounds like so much is going on. Its understandable to feel frustrated when you aren’t feeling heard or believed. The National Domestic Violence Hotline understands that no one is immune to an abusive relationship. Give us a call to talk about ways to stay safe through this at 1800-799-7233. Your call is completely anonymous and confidential and advocates are available 24/7 to offer that support.

      If you are considering suicide the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline is another resource to reach out to: 1800-273-8255.

    • Mike says:

      I am man too. My 8 year son and I experienced abuse with my soon to be ex wife. She constantly uses law enforcement to false arrest me 3 times . she has no shame in having the cops scare me and my three kids during my parenting time. she is a threat and a danger I want to go in hiding, but people are against it since there are pending criminal charges from false arrest charges and Department of children and families are involved. she even has gone to the of destroying my business. police called all my clients one night while I was in a cop car and my son was in the house. they were looking for someone to care for him. constant threats from her friends.I went away of vacation for a week and bam I’m getting calls from Police looking for me. everyday I fear cops and any number beginning with 860 in fear it could be her or Bantam CT police. \The week I was away she damaged my business equipment and took her belonging since no cameras not sure if anything I can do. We finally changed the door locks after 4 threats she was coming down to my house. Any suggestion I just want to disappear for a while. I have a little money left

      • HotlineAdmin_MT says:

        Mike,

        Thank you so much for reaching out and sharing your story. It sounds like a really difficult and upsetting situation, and I’m so sorry that you’re going through this. It sounds like she is very comfortable manipulating situations to get her way, so I think it’s wise to be careful about doing anything that she could possibly use against you legally, but that doesn’t mean you should have to put up with harassment and fear. One thing that I would recommend is to start documenting the abuse as much as possible, so that you have evidence if you need it in court. I would also suggest reaching out to a legal advocate at a local abuse program so that they can help you get the safety and space you need without getting into legal trouble. If you’d like to contact us, we’d be happy to talk with you about your situation more, give you some local resources, and come up with some strategies to help you through this. You can reach us 24/7 at 1-800-799-7233, or by online chat 7am-2am CST at http://www.thehotline.org. We hope to talk with you soon!

  10. Anon_John says:

    Greetings.

    I’m in dire need of help. My background is in mental health and t b therapeutic education and feel like I’m over intellectualizing my own situation.

    My partner struggles with mental health issues which I’ve been respectful of and as supportive as possible but lately things have gotten out of control. She’s started calling lazy and stupid, she’s been calling me at work or talking to my Co – workers, refuses to attend family functions. She’s started smashing things like glasses, the coffee carafe and plates then demanding I clean up the mess because I “drove” her to her behaviors by being “stupid…,” etc. Perhaps most heart wrenching is tgat shes taken to destroying gifts I’ve given her and telling me she did it because they’re cheap, ugly, etc… she’s also been threatening destroy items I use regularly use in my hobbies and calling my hobbies “retarded” and telling me I’m no good at them.

    I don’t feel safe at home and genuinely fear for my safety and the safety of our pets and material possessions.

    No one wants to listen to me. I feel like I’m being abused but don’t know that I am, if that makes sense. I’m just afraid that by the time I actually believe in my own feelings that it’ll be too late–as I’ve said, I fear for my safety.

    I don’t know what to do. I have an amalgamation of feelings ranging from cowardice and failure to self – pity and total confusion.

    I need advice or help or someone just to tell me I’m not crazy for feeling abused.

    This is one of the worst states in which I have ever myself.

    • HotlineAdmin_AS says:

      Hello Anon_John,

      We’re so glad that you’ve reached out to our online community. Handling a situation as a professional can be very different from experiencing it personally, and it’s incredibly difficult to have no support or anyone to talk to. It sounds like your partner is choosing to be emotional and physically abusive, and the situation sounds very scary. It can be very hard to believe that someone we love would choose to treat us this way, to hurt us intentionally, to take away our right to be safe. But it sounds like that is what you’re experiencing, and no one, no matter how much you love them, has the right to treat you like this.

      It sounds as though you feel completely overwhelmed by what’s going on. Please know that you can reach us by phone 24/7 at 1-800-799-7233 or online chat from 7am – 9pm CST to talk about what’s going on. We’re here to be a safe place to talk and keep every conversation anonymous and confidential.

      We’re here when you need us.

      Hotline Advocate AS

  11. Lisa says:

    Perfect example. A women curses and hits her husband in public. The public feels bad for him, so the woman drugged her husband played mind games and got him in domestic violence. He is now in prison and she throws beer parties and brags about it. Truly pathetic!!! It makes truly abused women like myself look bad and gives us a bad name. It needs to stop!!!

    • HotlineAdmin_CC says:

      Hi Lisa,

      You are absolutely right that any degree of manipulation or abusive behaviors in all relationships need to stop. It can sometimes be difficult to discern who is the abusive partner in a relationship and who is the victim as the dynamics of abuse can be very complicated and vary according to the relationship. Abuse is ultimately about power and control, and which partner is holding that power over the other partner. Although we absolutely recognize men can also be victims, not knowing more about the specifics of the situation it’s hard to know in the anecdote you have shared. You are right though that the justice system does not always punish the truly abusive person, or anyone at all in many abusive situations. Thanks so much for your comment, and I’m sorry to hear that you have been abused as well. If you need additional support and want to talk through your experience or find resources to help you in whatever situation you may find yourself in now, please call us 24/7 at 1-800-799-7233 or chat online with us 7am-2am central time, 7 days a week.

      Best,

      Hotline Advocate CC

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